Searching for the strength 

I am writing this with just 40 minutes to go until I break my fast. I’d be lying if I said today hasn’t been difficult. I woke at midnight and again at 2am but the only thing I could muster to eat was a slice of Battenberg cake. To be honest, over the past few days I have been reducing the amount I’ve been eating in order to prepare my body for fasting. The feelings of hunger haven’t bothered me too much today, but the lack of energy has been a big struggle.
I have been lucky to enjoy a quiet day at home, not needing too much energy or effort. However, as I expected, the mental and emotional challenge has been tough. I have questioned endlessly the situation my children are in now, having parents who are separated, with a father who currently isn’t around. I know that I’m not the only single mum, that they’re not the only children with divorcing parents, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I question whether what I’m doing is enough, whether they would benefit from studying abroad for a year so they’re closer to their paternal family. I blame myself for having my head in the clouds and only hope one day they realise how much I love them, because lately I struggle to be the mum they need.
They have been brilliant today, showing patience and understanding whilst I’ve been fasting. They were happy enough to watch films and my eldest daughter even helped out with chores. It’s not the right thing to spend the day without making an effort to go about your everyday tasks, but as I’m not emotionally well at the moment, I used today to reflect, to think and to relax. 
I would be lying if it said I didn’t miss the vibe around Ramadan in Turkey. The whole atmosphere during the month there is something spectacular. The queues at the bakers each evening of people buying fresh bread, the queues at the markets of people buying refreshing drinks and desserts, and most importantly, the mesmerising sound of the call to prayer from the mosques that fill the streets. Instead, I’ve made the most of what I have available to me here, and made a trip to the local Turkish supermarket late afternoon. I bought packet soup, fruit juice, Turkish bread and a great juicy watermelon to eat after I’ve broken my fast this evening.
I don’t think I will manage more than a bowl of soup. The children have eaten hours ago, and they’re almost ready to go to bed. I will keep them up so I can pray with someone before I begin to eat. I will then use the rest of the night to pray, drink plenty, and to try eat something before sunrise at 2.50am.
I always get emotional at this time of the day. To go 18 hours without food or drink is a huge feat. On top of all I am battling at the moment, I sometimes fail to recognise my strength. That strength of course comes from Allah and I hope that my fast is recognised and accepted. To think that this is my daily routine until 24th June seems overwhelming. Each day will get longer, and I only hope that my strength will increase with each day. 
As I have done with each year, and again, this journey isn’t about weight loss or appearance, I am making a note that I am starting the month at 63.3kgs. 

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rachellnorth

Mum of three beautiful kids. I love craft, craft and a little bit more craft. All quotes are my own.

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