Happiness 

Some of you may have noted that there wasn’t a post yesterday. These past two days have been the toughest days yet. It hasn’t necessarily been the fasting as such, but a combination of external factors such as my mood, outlook and events in my personal life.
My emotional outburst yesterday was triggered by hearing the call to prayer at iftar time in Istanbul on Turkish TV. I always get goosebumps when I hear the calls from the mosque, but this was particularly poignant because it took me by complete surprise. I’d not heard the sound in months, since I was last in Turkey in September. Here I was, standing in my living room all alone imaging the families across not only Turkey but all over the world who would be gathering together to break their fast. I didn’t have that luxury. I looked at my phone half expecting someone, just anyone to call or text, but nothing. I cried. I felt so very alone. 
I didn’t have it in my heart to write a post yesterday because to be honest, I didn’t have anything positive to say. I normally try to grab a nap during the day but I had exhausted myself by cleaning every corner of the house and garden, and so it was 8pm by the time I managed a shower and to sit down. I was then fortunate to receive a couple of messages from some very lovely friends which helped to lift my mood a little. I didn’t even have the energy to cook anything substantial for iftar and managed a small plate of eggs and chicken salami. I cried when I ate that too.
Despite making what I believe was and still is the right decision to remove my children from an unhappy household, it is still very raw and hurts so much knowing that I am literally a one man band now. This was even more so obvious when I woke up this morning.
I think it was the stress that brought on the really bad migraine that I had right up until this evening. I could barely lift my head off the pillow, and that was accompanied by a very heavy nauseous feeling in my stomach. I didn’t want to break my fast by taking tablets but I struggled so much. I was going from being hot one minute to being cold the next and the saddest thing was that yet again, I was coping alone. The weather was beautiful outside yet I couldn’t muster the energy to even sit with the children in the garden. They didn’t deserve this and of course, the guilt made me feel worse.
I spend a lot of time reading books about self-help and have a album full of meaningful quotes on my phone that have all meant something to me and some point. One quote in particular that really stands out talks of how we cannot change the things in our past or how people behave. Nor can we change the inevitable, but the one thing we have control of is our attitude towards our circumstances and that life is a mere 10% of what happens to us and the other 90% is how we choose to react. I cannot change my past, and I still sometimes believe I am grieving ten years on over the loss of my Mum. I have to learn to channel my thoughts and rather than be full of hurt and regret, accept the situation and use this as a point to project my own self belief that I am a strong and capable woman. Tensions are fraught between my ex and I, but whereas in the past I would jump and bite at every piece in contact, I have learnt that not reacting is a bigger and better answer, having faith that I will receive all I deserve both emotionally and financially.
I remember back in 2007 when my mum passed away and my initial thought was that I had hit rock bottom and things could not get any worse than that period of my life. When you’ve hit that level, there really is only one way you can go, and that is up. The morning after she passed, I remember waking up extremely early and thinking to myself, ‘you’ve lost your dad, you almost lost your son at birth, you’ve now lost your mum, at least divorce won’t ever be on that list’ and here I am, ten years on.
It has been so hard for me to believe that any happiness I have from this point onwards will be here to stay. We are so naive to think that tomorrow is guaranteed. We are wrong when we think that the people we have in our lives will stay forever. That fear is maybe what is holding me back from being upbeat and positive. All I had in my life that ever made me happy has been taken- my mum, my dad, my vision of an ideal marriage. Even some of my hopes and dreams were taken by the person who should have been supporting them from the start. I think I must be one of the only people around who is actually scared to try and be happy again for for fear of it all being taken away.
If anything, the past six days have helped me appreciate peace and the power of prayer. I have spent so much more time praying than I was able to last year and I only hope that my efforts are rewarded. Tomorrow will mark a week since Ramadan started- we are a quarter of the way through already. I have got past the hunger pains and thirst, the hardest parts are the lack of energy, long daylight hours and loneliness. I hope that regardless of my struggles, my hurt and upset, that Allah recognises my determination and that one day, I will find and appreciate the happiness I am looking for. 

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rachellnorth

Mum of three beautiful kids. I love craft, craft and a little bit more craft. All quotes are my own.

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